My worst childhood memories are around cleaning and my mother. I was always well known for my inability to clean as a kid... Then as a newly wed I went through a depression as I worked through all the feelings I had around cleaning. At this time my husband could not mention cleaning to me without me being depressed for a month... Then my excuse was I could not clean because my home was too small... Then my excuse was that my daughter took up too much of my time... Then my two daughters... Then my excuse was my stress level as I added in my son and adopted daughter at the same time. My excuse continued to be stress throughout the long drawn out legal battle with my adopted daughters birth mother... Then the condo remodel was my excuse for a disorderly home... Then my difficult pregnancy was my excuse. Then my new baby was my excuse... Then my move was my excuse... Then living with my MIL and having family drop by unannounced was my excuse... Then the stress of kids again... Then the seasonal flair up as my MIL came and snowbirded in the basement of the home we rented from her... Then the miscarriage... Then the fire... Then the mental break down... Then the Thyroid problems... Then the anxiety... Then the move back in was my excuse... Then....
Ah, then I remember that brief golden time. I had all the insurance money to get the home set up the way I wanted to after the fire. I only unpacked things as I found homes for them. I bought all the best home organisers. I bought home decorations, for the first time. My home was organised to the T, and decorated to the T.
Then the holidays... Then another miscarriage... Then another miscarriage... And finally, a limp half alive Mama wondering if she had the will to live... Then... A year and a half later my home has not recovered because I lost faith. I mean... My next excuse for not being clean was a lack of faith... Then I choose to have faith, and just like C.S. Lewis described in the screwtape letters, I felt the sweet joy of early success. Followed by the gut wrenching, you must prove to all existence that you can make it on your own, on principal and personal strength alone, it must be your victory... Then my excuse was my work schedule... And now... Now it is aluminum...
Aluminum is such an easy answer, like thyroid, like anxiety, like many others. It has in it all the elements. All the personal weakness I have struggled with for my life are right there, wrapped up in aluminum poisoning. It is so easy to see how my stress caused me to stop cooking from scratch. How my family ate more fast food, and out of more boxes, then I would care to say. Ok I can say. I do not even plan on real cooking any more, I have come to the conclusion it requires more of me then I can give. My meal plans are.... Open a box, mix in required ingredients, cook for as long specified and eat. Except for when they are not, then my meal plans are load up the kids, pull up to the drive through, order, pay and eat. Seriously years ago I was appalled at others who ate like this. It makes sense that averaging one box of muffin mix a day for a year and a half would have its negative effects... doesn't it?
My sister once described to me a personality type that wants to live their life in constant crisis mode. She did not say it, but I though it, doesn't that just sound like me? My next thought was. What is a person to do. Does anyone else know what it feels like, to throw every ounce of your effort at life, to give it your all, and to come out a failure over and over and over and over and over again. At some point that person has to decide what they think of themselves. Are they infact a hopeless failure. In which case, the solution is sit down and let the tidal waive of life over take you. Success is not possible, so why try. Then it does not take long for such a hopeless failure to realise just how miserable being hopeless is, and maybe trying would at least be a little bit better. Oh the other choice. Ask yourself why at the end of it all you ended up as a failure. Reason it through, and see what stoped you from your success, and hypothesise about ways you can try something different, in hopes to get a different result. Basically try, try and try again.
I read on a blog the other day that life is about singing in the rain and dancing through the storm, not waiting for it to pass. I get that, I see now that life is a storm of experience that waxes and wanes.
So then I guess I could ask. Why is it that you feel like a complete failure and completely inadequate if you fail at organization. Why is it that organization is the all magic attribute that decides if you are valid and successful, good and worthy, respectable and valuable. Why not all your other attributes?
Then I hear in my self the answer, organization is the foundation to a good life, everything good in life needs organization to thrive. And I hear... A persons level of organization and cleanliness is a reflection of that persons character. A clean and orderly person has a clean and orderly character, a disorderly and dirty person is obviously lacking greatly in character... And then i think of all the extremely well organised people that have made me feel like a pile of heap. And I remember that I value being considerate to others over being organised. I remember that I have seen quite a few people who are the picture of organization, that lack in character.
So now I ask my self, after all these years, where do I find that place? That place where I am good in spite of my great weaknesses.
I have had the privilege to visit a few of my highly respected neighbors and see how disorderly their homes were. They were not stressed or uncomfortable. And they were still very respected. Their personal worth was not at risk because of their cleanliness. I then look around and I see that i am as close to heaven as one can get here on the earth. I am in a neighborhood where I remain respected and valued in spite of the many character flaws I have not been able to hide. I wonder if some day my mind will catch up with my neighbors. It would seem I am the one who is most guilty of judging myself.
Whew.... enough of that.... maybe now that I have that all written down I will not have to go through that thought process for a while.
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