What went wrong today

• It was cold 71, all I want to do is crawl in bed when it is cold.
• I had a dream about miscarrying.
• I forgot about the primary activity today and did not take my kids to it.
• Brother Gray asked me to feed the missionaries, I did not say no because I felt I should say yes.
• I could not work, my work computer would not power on.
• I will not be able to work tomorrow because I will be waiting for my computer still.
• We have no money, I am stressed about paying all the bills.
• windows antivirus did not work.
• nod32 antivirus did not work.
• I lost the photos on the kidi art studio of Khali's family and they were my favorites.
• I slept in.
• I did not know where to start for the home project.
• I started a master plan for the moving, instead of just starting in, and the master plan stressed me out.
• I put in allot of work, and deleted allot of photos, and only cleared up a little bit of computer space.
• I was stressed because I lost my work computer so I downloaded carbonite on my home pc.
• carbonite is only a 15 day trial and we can not afford to buy it in 15 days, I thought it was at least a 30 day trial.
• The first back up takes a long time at carbonite.
• The phone lines at the new home have a buz that will get in the way of me working.
• I do not want to call Brother Gray back and cancel the missionary dinner. But we don't have enough money for a nice dinner for the missionaries.
• I wonder if there was aluminum in the pizza at the party last night....
• DUH!! there was aluminum in the cup cakes. that is the real problem!

What did I do today that worked

• I deleted allot of photos from the computer to clear up space.
• I downloaded carbonite.

What was today like

• I layed in bed allot.
• I did not want to be arround my kids.
• I normally love cleaning my new home and wake up right away because I have so much I want to get done.
• Instead today I dreaded cleaning.
• I tried to plan today instead of working, which stressed me out more.
• I got nothing done...
• I normally get quite a bit done.
• I was cold.
• I could not stand any noises the kids made more then chatter.
• and even the chatter was only tolerable when I was in a different room.
• I did not get anything done, this is the most frustrating.
• I was in a bad mood all day.
• I was impatient with the kids.

All of this because I forgot and ate a cupcake at my nieces birthday party last night.

Aluminum makes me have some strange emotional reactions....

First I remember many of the times when people have expressed in any way criticism of me.

Then I totally believe that the criticism is valid, and that they meant the worst of any number of ways their comment could be taken.

Then I feel low and messed up for all those ways I can be criticised.

Then I can only see my flaws, and nothing good about my self.

Then I get depressed.

I then repeat the previous thoughts while I am alone curled up in fetal position on my bed over and over.

As they repeat I get more suspicious of other people. I believe less and less that anyone likes me at all, or that I could be liked at all by them, and more and more that everyone around me is malicious towards me.

I start to want to lash out in anger at these people, or to cut off all contact with these people, or give them a taste of their own medicine.

Thankfully I have children who interrupt such pity parties.

Mama Muffin

Checking in...

The truth is I have not devoted as much attention to my children and them removing aluminum from their diet. I asked their girl scout leader about not having aluminum in their snacks, and she gave no solution or ideas... I noticed one day after girl scouts they were more cranky, that could be because of aluminum. I am not sure.

It seems I am limited in many ways more then just aluminum. Lol, I just feel human at this point. I think AAT will cure my brain fog depressed days. But I am not sure it can cure me of my humanity. My husband found this LDS scripture the other day in his reading, D&C 60:13 “Thou Shalt Not Idle Away Thy Time nor Bury Thy Talents”. There it is, listed in thou shalt terms, just like a commandment.

We have a family constitution that we read and memorise, that summaries many of the things we value and want to improve on. My kids have memorised "D&C 75:3 Behold, I say unto you that it is my will that you should go forth and not tarry, neither be idle but labor with your might--" .... sigh I have such a weakness of idling....

My blogging is in many ways my idling...

As I see it I have three major weaknesses...

1. Aluminum
2. Lack of faith and large amounts of doubt that my efforts will result in good
3. a habit of being idle, and idling away my time.

So AAT can help me improve #1, which might help me have more of #2, but #3...... I am not sure I want to give up hours of watching Rhett and Link on YouTube, or browsing on Amazon, or blogging, or emailing, or IMing, or Face Book, or many of the other idle things I do....

The Lds church really speaks out against addictions and substance abuse. I am addicted to food, and the Internet. I cant judge another's addiction, I done seem to even want to give up my own, I just am lucky to have a less destructive one.. or am I?

I can imagine all the happiness that would come to me if I were "anxiously engaged in a good cause". But that does not seem to stop the habit of living on and for the computer, and food....

I should spend more time with my kids, cleaning, packing, and being a good neighbor. But here I sit at the computer.

I think I am having a mild aluminum reaction today. My head feels foggy, and I don't really think much of myself....

Ok so there was run of thoughts randomness from me.

I am really very self absorbed.. But I really don't have time to care about others... Or it feels that way.

I will post when I am in a good mood and feel I can become the person I want to become, that will be an up day to balance out a mild down day.


Muffin Mama