Update on my church calling...

At first, I had a hard time going to relief society after so many years of being in the primary. I love the benefits our family experiences from the church organizations, and I know they are all ran by volunteers, someone must make each organization work if we are to have it.

My ward is so small that everyone has at least one calling, some people two or three. This small ward helps everyone feel important and counted. This we love.

The bishop and everyone who became aware of me turning down my calling and why, were more then very understanding, they were very caring. But I still was afraid to sit in Relief Society as one of the few people who don't have a calling, I was afraid it would feel to me and others like I was not pulling my weight. Thankfully, and predictably I got no such feeling.

When a calling changes in my small ward the bishop plays musical callings, as a ward we joke about it. It becomes a complicated dance of moving everyone around to a new seat without one calling left unfilled. I believe this last round of musical callings was really complicated for the bishop. Two of the most reliable mutual leaders asked to be relieved, as well as some of the primary presidency, and me as a teacher, and his wife as a member of the relief society presidency. I was not the only one that asked to have no calling for a while, there were at least three of us that did. For such a small ward, three key members all asking for a relief from callings for a time, is a significant thing. We have a hard time filling callings as it is. I can only imagine that it was difficult for the bishop to work out.

On Sunday all the organizations were still running smoothly with their newest changes, and every thing looks like it worked out. And I believe I will be comfortable attending relief society, and having no calling for a while.

Good Days and Bad Days

Today seems to be a medium day. I am not sure if I ate something with aluminum in it. I am still not being ultra vigilant in my AAT, I read labels and avoid many foods, but there are still areas where I could be exposed to aluminum. My brain is feeling clogged, and I am stressing about things more. The more I stress the more my brain feels clogged. Thankfully my husband is home today. We will be filling up a dumpster, and sending in more mortgage documents.

It makes sense that exposure to aluminum can cause good days and bad days. I wonder if other factors also cause good days and bad days.

The last time I had to move from our temporary housing back to our home after the fire was huge challenge. Granted I did go through some miscarriages around the time of the move. But I remember a very dark month where I spent many hours alone crying and willing myself to live. I am a very prideful person, all my life I have been treated somewhat as an incompetent person. All my life except for in my new ward. So when I am having personal struggles the first thing I try to do is hide my incompetence. I look back, when I was so low and struggling so hard, and I still attempted to fulfill my primary and activity days callings, only hinting at my struggles if the topic could not be avoided. That was such a dark time when I had to actively fight the urge to be suicidal. I am out of that scary place thankfully. But I am still very stressed and emotionally volatile. I also feel lazier or more run down less hopeful. What I am trying to say is I do not believe I have as much strength to fight if I were to experience a nervous breakdown.


I do not feel I am lacking in opportunities for personal growth right now. It feels like I am moving, decluttering and remodeling all on my own. Because of how much my husband works. Many wonderful people have offered to help us. But I can not have them help. Part of it is my incompetence pride. I fear that if I rely on anyone I prove my incompetence. But there is more to it then that. My home is too messy. I can not clean my home because nothing has a place where it belongs. I can only pack up out of the mess. I just cant describe it, or explain it, but my brain understands it.

Decluttering really is on my shoulders. I can not expect anyone to come in my home and make the decision of keep or DI for me.

And it is bigger then the move. Even after the move. I want to start to find happiness. I am afraid if I add to my life another commitment that I can not fulfil I will jeopardise my happiness. I need space and room and time in a relaxed environment. That is where I thrive. I cant explain how stress shuts me down. And NOTHING stresses me more then what others will think of me, of failing at an obligation.